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Sometimes the similarities between men and animals are scary. The preconceived idea of getting a new dog is exciting. You imagine taking your dog for a walk through the park. He looks up at you with those attentive eyes waiting for your lead. His coat shines brighter than the sunlight off the ocean during summer's twilight, while his manicured nails reflect on the pride the owner takes. As you encounter friends or acquaintances, they remark on how attractive and well behaved your new dog is. The reality of this fairytale is that long hours of frustration, days of resistance, and months of training are required to make this dream come true. Even with all the blood, sweat, and tears poured into your new dog, there is no guarantee that the net result will replicate your original vision. Thus, there are many lessons a woman has to facilitate to assist a man to walk on his own two feet.
One night, I went over to the apartment of a fellow co-worker. We were going to have a few cocktails before going out to dinner with some friends. I thought that I rang the doorbell to Jay's apartment; however, the door slowly creaked opened to an urban jungle. I did not comment on the interior of the apartment since it took about three minutes to put my eyes back in their sockets. After exchanging pleasantries, Jay asked the question that no single man in the city should ask. "What do you think of my apartment?" he asked proudly. Since I have worked with him for a couple of years, I felt I could be honest with him. "I think it looks great!" I said with a deadpan look on my face. "Have you ever invited any of your dates up here?" Jay's look of confidence faded to Rodin's The Thinker. "Most women that I invite here seem to leave within a few minutes of sitting down," Jay answered. This was the first time that Jay made the correlation between his date's early end with his apartment's condition. Jay never knew that it was not appropriate for a male in his twenties to have dirty clothes sprinkled around the perimeter of his apartment, nor have a refrigerator were the only vegetable available is the mold growing on the "aged" cheese. I decided to make a project out of Jay's ignorance towards filth.
The next weekend we went to IKEA to help reshape his apartment. This experience opened my eyes. I looked around and noticed that most single men are in much need of some female attention. They do not seem to perceive how their surroundings look.
The more that I started hanging out with Jay, the more I started to notice more things about him that made it seem like men never grew out of the Stone Age. Although Jay's clothes found a new home called a closet, they seemed war torn. Amongst all the cleaning, Jay seemed to have lost his razor and comb. Whenever our group of friends went out, I would have to be ready an hour early so I could go over to Jay's apartment to assist him in his evening preparation. I remembered that my brother had this same problem in high school. We would have to remind him to take off his football uniform hours after the game. He did not care that he stunk and looked disgusting. I began to realize that most men did not truly care what they wore, clean or dirty it did not matter. I showed Jay some of the new age inventions such as an iron, dental floss, and bathing in soap rather than cologne. The results were astounding. Every time we went out, I noticed that more women started to talk to him, changing his attitude. Jay spoke in a positive tone, rather than his cynical manner.
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The toughest part of refurbishing Jay's apartment and his appearance was the reaction from his male friends and potential resentment that Jay could have towards me. Another time a group of us went out to dinner. While out, one of his friends made a comment about Jay's apartment and asked if I also picked out his clothes. I did not want to respond to his comment, but my friend Jessica inquired why he would ask such a thing. "It is always the case. Whenever a woman comes into a man's life they restructure everything about him until he loses his identity" another friend Tim answered. To my surprise, Jay spoke up and said that he welcomed the recommendations. "I have not changed one bit. People have been nice enough to show me a different perspective;" Jay responded back defensively, "I thought educated people are always eager for new ideas." It made me happy to hear Jay acknowledge that he was learning new things rather than mimicking my request.
Two weeks later, Jay's mother was rushed to the emergency room. While she was getting up there in age, a sudden terminal illness is always a shock. Jay was a trooper throughout the whole ordeal. Never once did I see him shed a tear and not even on the fateful day when his mother passed. His stone cold face seemed like it would never change expressions. Then one day, after work, I met up with Jay at the bar down the street. The cheers of "Norm" did not faze me as much as the amount of liquor that he consumed within the hour. Staggering towards the restroom, he dropped to the corner and started to cry. The tears seemed to be old and dated excited that they were now free and not pent-up inside. When I tried to ask what was wrong, a two-hour monologue ensued that covered the spectrum of life's inadequacies to how he never told his mother that he loved her. I just sat holding him and reassured him it was alright to cry; I was there for him.
We all know men are not supposed to show emotion. To do so is a sign of weakness. Therefore, when emotions came about, Jay suppressed them until the day his first breakdown occurred. I felt fortunate to be there to help Jay through it. I understand the fact that men display a front. My father and brothers are all the same way. So I listen to Jay. I consoled him for his loss of life in both the present and past tenses.
Several days later, he stopped crying. From there, we had the longest conversation we had ever had. He realized that there was no need to hold up a macho image .He started to dissolve the thought of gender roles. Jay started to become more self-sufficient. With his improved physical and emotional status, Jay started to enjoy a well-balanced life. If all men were able to feel that it was ok to express their emotions openly, they would have a lot less built up frustration.
I can remember the first time I truly know that I loved my new dog. It was several months after I brought him home. He tried to run to the door for me to let him out. Before I reach the handle, it was too late the floor was already wet. I sighed and the looked down. There were these beautiful brown eyes looking at me. He thought I was disappointed in him, but I was not. I was so proud of his attempt, because sometimes the learning process takes time. My dog appreciates my help and I appreciate the love he gives me in return. Like a proud teacher on graduation day, I see that some of the lessons were learned while others may never come. A woman can teach a man how to walk alone but cannot walk for him. Oh yeah, Jay is still working on keeping the toilet seat down, but I can tell that he feels bad when I look into his brown eyes.
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